Take A Bite

A public edition of More Than A Bite, the Pink Apple e-newsletter.

Today's More Than A Bite (Pink Apple's Enewsletter) is sliding in on a Christmas Sleigh straight to your Inbox.  So it has

• an      estimated reading      time of 2-3 mins
• these goodies
  • Save Our Christmas Sanity Messages
  • Secrets to Successful Relationship Article Links
  • Apple Tart Article links (Chris' eclectic mix of interesting       morsels)

We're still breathless after last week's whirlwind of our son's wedding over at Casa Pink Apple, so my message to you is brief.

By the way, may I just offer a warm welcome to all the new subscribers to this edition.  Glad you could join us.

Save our Christmas Sanity Messages

When you first saw the Christmas stuff appearing this year, did you have a little mental skip of excitement, or a sinking feeling (could it be dread?) about all the work ahead?

Well if you get that sinking feeling it suggests you're a Christmas Stress sufferer.   If that's the case you can get the Tips for Christmas Calm by taking a Quick Christmas Stress Test online.  This 2-3 minute test has been prepared by myself and my co-author Karen Wallace.

This year the Owen/Wallace Christmas e-book has become a published A5-size carry-around to get you through the season.

So now we offer Save Our Sanity:The Christmas Calm Manual. 

There are plenty of tips to be found in magazines and online and SOS has plenty of ways to help you solve the regular problems of Christmas.  They focus on budgeting, shopping, cleaning, decorating, relationships and self-care.

But SOS is designed to divert the causes of your stress as much as help you solve the simple problems.  We get you looking at your traditions, your perspectives and making choices that set you up for positive and joy-filled Christmases from HERE ON!

We have a shove-it-in-your-handbag book, a downladable version but we are also offering a WORKSHOP in Melbourne next week!

On top of that, Premium Christmas Coaching services are another and more individualised way to get all the help you need to shed your DREAD!

All purchasers of book and coaching gain access to the password protected area of our new site where extra resources are available.

On the Save Our Christmas Sanity site are also articles about:

• Christmas      Romance
• Tree      Decorating for Dumm- Novices!
• Shopping      Online

Secrets to Successful Relationship Articles

At Take a Bite you'll find thoughts on:

• keeping      secrets in a relationship
• controlling      behaviours in relationships

Apple Tart Articles

On Apple Tart, I've been encouraging readers to take up Karen Wallace's new online magazine The Calm Space. It even looks serene!!!!

Not only do you get lots of thought-provoking hints from my favourite Queen of Calm, but you also get the contributions of several terrific women writers (I  even include myself - modestly - in that!)

The Calm Space is a FREE magazine and Karen describes it as a virtual day-spa for the senses where you can visit for a minute or 10 and get a dose of calm in the process.  She has monthly prizes for all readers and is also currently offering readers the gift of her e-book How to Find the Pause Button for Your Life.   

Well that about sums up this More Than A Bite.

See you next time, and don't forget to pass this newsletter on and help me unveil those secrets!

Warm regards

If YOU keep secrets or tell half-truths as a matter of course, then you may need to check out my Apple Tart blog and reconsider your decisions.

If you don't believe me, can I ask:

How much does your partner display signs that she/he doesn't trust you?

And if you keep secrets or tell half-truths are you actually trust-worthy?

"She's just so controlling" he said.

So what are you getting out of letting him/her control you?

Because you will be getting something - weird as that may sound!

Somehow, you've taught her/him that it's ok to treat you in a particular way - purely by not stopping it!

Yes I understand you didn't realise you were doing that, but somewhere along the line, you NEED to draw the line in the sand and say ENOUGH!

Why?  Because you're not happy!

Karen Salmansohn, of Be Happy, Dammit fame, recently wrote about Prince Harming Syndrome.   It's a quirky article but has some serious truths in there.

I remember once I was sharing a story about a particular Prince Harming with my girlfriend, Joanie, in a café, when the man at the next table interrupted.

“Excuse me,” this stranger said. “I hope you girls don’t mind, but I must confess I overheard you talking….and well…I’m a psychoanalyst…and I’m worried about you,” he said staring directly at me. “Do you mind if I give you my free therapy opinion?” [more]

While Karen's article is about a bully boy, abusive partners come in both sexes and often in MUCH MORE SUBTLE ways than physical abuse!

So if you're not happy...

What behaviour of your partner's are you tolerating with just a hint of Karen's masochist about you?

Now isn't that a title that J K Rowling would be proud of?

Pete Aldin see where you've taken me?  (No not turning into JKR - I wish)  Or maybe it's just I've been reading Harry and The Half-Blood Prince, with my venture into Deathly Hallows just ahead of me!

But let's not diverge!

Some time ago Pete from Great Circle tagged me with a great topic for sharing.  But as I've said before tags/memes are really a Curse!

So it is with great pleasure I share with you my Best of ... series, where I present 10 of my earlier posts that best sum up what Pink Apple is about.

That was actually quite challenging because that old Self-Doubt Demon (I really must come up with a name for it!) was doing its best to convince me I wouldn't find any!  But, in fact, while time-consuming, I was quite surprised with what I found in the archives that I can summon pride in again sharing with you!

If you're a regular reader, you've probably worked out I have lots of interests

• supporting and nurturing women,
• staying sane at Christmas
• small business,
• books and reading, and
• networking,

But my BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) is to help couples discover the many and endless moments of joy in their relationships.  I'm doing that by sharing the Secrets of Successful Relationships.

So the articles that best sum up Pink Apple fall under that category.

Here are links to 10 of my favourites.  They're in no particular order, except occasionally chronological!

Not the Kitchen Sink.

It's very tempting when we're angry with someone, be it our partner, colleague, or the Indonesian government, to avoid letting all our peripheral or past judgments, come into the debate.   [more]

Bad Apples

Isolation and alienation is a big part of the bully's toolkit. Unfortunately, psychological bullying is more likely to be the domain of women.  Women's skills with relationship-building have a flipside in the female bully's capacity to alienate.  Other tactics might include:  [more]

Listening, Waffles and Spaghetti

Firstly, they point out what listening is NOT.  Guys, I think you might sigh with relief as you read these! [more]

When the Honeymoon's Over

Little does she know, as she rests in the dewy-eyed wonder of her new marriage, that disillusionment is ahead.  How will she manage when the sheen rubs off the relationship? [more]

Domestic Bliss?

Because one of the perennial problems that couples find most hard to get over, is the issue of the sharing of chores!  On the surface, it would seem a simple enough problem to solve. 

But it's like a wartime ocean, filled with depth charges and silent, drifting bombs just waiting to explode! [more]

Soulmates

As Doug reminds us, just because you find your soulmate, doesn't mean you can take the foot off the pedal, in terms of your efforts and input into nurturing the relationship.  "The great danger of the soulmate myth is the accompanying belief that the relationship will be easy over time. Relationships decay when someone puts their feet up."   [more]

Bad Language

We can also confuse our LOVERS with our language!  And I don't mean abusive language; or even "talking dirty", for the more risque of my readers!

"I just feel so distanced from him.  It feels like he's pushing me away"

This client "hears" love in the language of positive affirmations.  If her partner criticises her, then, no matter how lovingly the criticism is delivered, she's likely to read that criticism as rejection, and even evidence of loathing. [more]

A Matter of Choice

Now, I dare any of you to tell me you've got the perfect partner!  I even dare any of you to tell me you've got the worst partner in the world!  There's no such thing!  All there is, is "good enough" or "bad enough" to prompt us to make choices.  [more]

Restraint

As I listen to some of my clients, I am sad to hear them relate stories of failing to restrain themselves when it might have helped.

When the fight is on, and it's far from fair, (and in fact downright dirty), THAT'S the time for restraint. [more]

Respect & Goodwill

One of the key secrets to successful relationships is a simple value that our Mums and Dads probably taught us - Respect and Goodwill. 

What turns that head-over-heels love into a belief that Your Adored One is always "out to get you"?  What would make you think that a nasty attack is the best form of defence?  Where has that mean spirit come from and how long do you want to live with it?

For some reason slowly and painfully respect and goodwill have leaked out of the "lovin' feeling"  [more]

 

SweetP and I went out to a fund-raising event the other night.   We knew no-one there.  Not a soul but the hostess, and needless to say she was too busy to be "holding our hands".  We needed to meet new people and so we began to chat with others.

By the end of the night, Pink Apple was prattling away, generally enjoying herself as much as you can making conversation with strangers, when the music and the voices just kept getting louder.  (Yes I know I'm starting to sound like a boring old fart!) 

SweetP was exhausted. 

Making conversation takes energy for anyone but some of us it drains and others find it energising! 

Why?  Because we're different!

In this case, as I'm an extrovert and I get my energy from others, it's no wonder I was feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed even though my feet were killing me!  Poor old introverted SweetP finds those kinds of events difficult.  As he gets his energy from within himself, having to expend it with other people, especially strangers, drains him and leaves him feeling like a wrung-out rag!

Being different will never ruin a relationship UNLESS you fail to:

• really grasp what the differences are,
• learn how the differences will show up in certain situations, ESPECIALLY times of crisis,
• respect those differences
• accommodate the differences
• allow space for nurturing your partner just as he/she is
• understand how they will show up in problem solving
• honor your partner's beliefs and self without attempting to change them
• be curious about what it's like to walk in your partner's shoes and share with him/her how it is to walk in your shoes.

It's actually a fascinating journey of discovery that's lots of fun to explore together.

There are many ways to explore.  Here's a very brief list of books and websites you might find useful.

• Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence
• The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
• Discovering Your Personality Type: The Essential Introduction to the Enneagram, Revised and Expanded
• www.humanmetrics.com
• www.typelogic.com
• www.keirsey.com

Have fun and let me know how you get on!

If you're inclined to fudge the truth when telling your partner about the cost of a recent purchase, then you could be accused of "financial infidelity"!

Well that's the opinion of a psychologist on a morning TV program that I saw recently.   (Yes well, perhaps enough said, hey?)

It seems a bit far-fetched, but failing to be totally honest with your partner does take you near to dishonoring your commitment together.  And it doesn't matter whether that commitment was expressed as a set of vows in front of an altar, or an agreement to live together and give it your best shot!

If you were to conduct a little non-scientific poll amongst your work colleagues, you'd find they all value honesty, and believed themselves to be honest!  You've probably seen evidence that's not ALWAYS true!  And probably most people get away with the odd "white lie" without any pangs of conscience.

Relationships, on the other hand will shrivel and rot in the face of dishonesty.    It's the biggest, corrosive, poison of all!

Your life partnership/marriage needs a kind of heroic, excruciating, vulnerable-making, honesty that's at a whole new level!

It needs to be the kind of honesty where you reveal to yourself and your partner just how nasty you were to the girl in the next office, the guy in the other lane on the freeway, or the kids (while she was out and you were in a snotty mood)!

Have you ever been at a "team meeting" to talk about a problem?

You all sit around the table or in a circle, awkwardly avoiding looking at the leader.  If anyone says ANYTHING they skirt around the issue, knowing full well that what's being said is a load of crap.

And then someone gets brave and says what they REALLY think.  People gasp (at least internally).  Then slowly others join in the honesty, and painfully but successfully the problem can be dealt with!

Well that ball-shrinking, gut-twisting, heart-pounding, weakness-exposing honesty is the kind of vulnerability that needs to be in a relationship. 

And I don't think it's unrealistic to say that excruciating honesty like that needs to be part of EVERY DAY you share together. 

This is about taking emotional risks.  And it's what makes a relationship sing!

But don't get me wrong.  Being honest, doesn't mean being nasty.  If you have a complaint or concern about an element of your partner's behaviour then you can be honest without being mean!  There are ways to be honest and caring, and sensitive at the same time.  It's all about continuing to love someone with an unpleasant behaviour, not just self-righteously loving DESPITE an unacceptable behaviour!

Some questions to get you thinking about honesty?

• What subjects might tempt you to be less than excruciatingly honest?  (Finances and sexual dissatisfaction often top this list.)
• How do you react when your partner dares to be honest and vulnerable with you?
• How would you like to be treated when you reveal a side of yourself that you struggle to love?  (eg your body image)
• How do you feel when you know deep in your heart that your partner has shared something with you at that excruciating level?
• When was the last time you were less-than-honest with your partner?
• How safe do you make it for your partner to be honest?

If honesty, is a quality that's slowly dying in your relationship, what are YOU going to do about it?

... Another article sharing the Secrets Successful Relationships - Starting Out Together.

Up till now you've led a busy life, right?

And now you've decided that there's to be someone special riding your life's road WITH you.

Neither of you want your own life to be tossed away because you're a couple.  Right?

But how are you going to blend these two lives ...

... without losing what's important to each of you
... but with respect and acknowledgment of just how important this person is in your world?

Have you made room for Him/Her in YOUR daily life?

Yes Pink Apple understands you've been "going out"/dating for a while (at least a few weeks we hope!).  So this person has been in your life in that time.  And perhaps you've been having sleep-overs at each other's homes, or perhaps not. Yes we "get" that there's been a gradual introduction of this person into your life! 

But, then you were dating!  Now you're committing!

There's a DIFFERENCE!

But how is it now going to BE different?

How are you going to make room for him/her EMOTIONALLY,  ENVIRONMENTALLY, and in your DAILY ACTIVITIES and PRIORITIES?

How is she/he going to see that your priorities have shifted to put him/her top of the list?  What will be the clear, totally unambiguous signs?  (You ARE making this person top of your priorities list aren't you?  If you're not, then are you deluding yourself, or your partner, about the significance of the relationship?)

But HOW?

• Are you both moving to a new location together?
• If not, how much space is being freed up to blend both of your valued possessions?
• Where are the incomer's clothes, shoes, furniture, sports equipment, books, CDs, documents going to be? 
• Is there literally enough room?
• Does she/he feel welcomed into the space?   Or, does he/she have to fit in around you?  is it all fair and equitable?  (If not, how is he/she coping with the disrespect you're showing?)
• Now that you're going to be a couple together, how will social activities be different?
• Have you negotiated a fair and mutually agreed time with the friends you each have?  (Note Pink Apple said "Fair and mutually agreed"!)
• Are you prepared to leave pub crawls with your mates to a now-past life?  Alternatively will your partner be a warmly accepted regular member of that group?
• What will you do if your friends don't welcome her/him?  Who will be your priority?
• How will you have interests that are yours alone?  How will you use those interests to bring new insights and pleasures to your couple life?
• How will you spend time with each other's families?  Even if families are geographically distant, you can still be part of the group. 
• How are you being integrated into his family?  And vice versa?
• How are you going to show up to your partner each day?  How are you going to ensure your partner gets the "real you" rather than the romanticised you?  How will you do that with due respect for him/her?
• What parts of single life will you now let go?
• How will you introduce couple life to your daily activities?

Yes there IS lots to think about, isn't there?

Curiosity might be a monumental and lethal threat to moggies all over the world, but it's an absolute gift to nurturing successful relationships.

Let's Test YOU

• What's your partner's favourite book of the moment?  Is she/he hanging out for the last Harry Potter or settled in to wait for John Howard or George Dubyah's memoir? 
• Who is he/she enjoying listening to at the moment?  Could it have changed from Norah Jones, Bach, or the red Hot Chilli Peppers?
• What does she/he think of the options in upcoming elections in Australia or the US?
• What is his/her current professional goal?
• If she/he could afford it, what would she/he like to do?
• Which movie/DVD is he/she hanging out to see?
• What does she think about global warming?
• What is he desperate to change about his life at the moment?
• Who does she think will win the Asian Soccer Final, the Tour De France, or even the Bledisloe Cup (YUK! Thugby!)?
• How would he like to improve the house?

See what I mean?

There's lots you DON'T KNOW about your partner and what goes on inside his/her head.

There's also lots you ASSUME you KNOW about the mysteries inside there as well.

Why not be curious and find out more?

Successful business people know that the most effective way to network is to be curious and ask questions. 

Humans blossom when given a chance to talk about something they're interested in, have an opinion about, or are passionate about.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to see your partner blossom like that?

When did you last snuggle up in front of the fire and just share ideas, opinions, thoughts, dreams?

I guess it's TIME then, isn't it?

... Another article sharing the Secrets of Starting Out Together.

You've fallen in love with this gorgeous, delightful, and endlessly loving man/woman.

You've mutually decided you're going to shift this relationship onto a different plane.  It's not just about fun and/or lust any more, this one has something different.  It's special somehow!

So you decide to settle down together with/without the marriage certificate, but certainly WITH commitment.

How have you each come to that conclusion?  Has it been a "feeling"/ you've just "known" or has there been a seriously considered, weighing-up of what you are as a couple and how that differs from you as a single?

Are you happy With YOU?

The important thing to remember is (to quote Jon Kabat-Zinn) "wherever you go, there you are".  You're each bringing a You into this relationship.  And you're each convinced that you know so much about the other - after all you're in love aren't you?

But how much do you really know about your own or your partner's values?  The guiding principles?  The elements of life that steer his/her course and unconsciously influence her/his decisions?  Without sufficient activities and decisions that meet with your values, life becomes hollow, dissatisfying and eventually soul-destroying.

Assuming that's NOT what you want for yourself, your partner, or your relationship, then it's time to take a look at values.

But what the hell ARE values?

Everyone from coaches to marriage celebrants, financial planners to professional development trainers, they all talk about Values.  But what are they?

A value is something that you believe in. Something that is important to you and that you can't live your life without.

Of course we start out having had our parents' values carefully planted in our little souls.  But just like it's important to analyse your parent's relationship skills (and take what works and discard what doesn't), it's also important to identify what are your values and how different or similar they are to those of the people around you.

Several years ago, my son asked that we not get pizzas from the local pizza joint anymore. Seeing my puzzled look, he described watching this man threaten and abuse his wife. "He's a bully and it wouldn't surprise me if he whacked her around a bit"  said Wild Boy.  This man's behaviour had clashed with my son's values and he couldn't live with himself if we filled this man's pockets. 

Just like it becomes impossible to work for any length of time with a company whose leaders' values differ greatly from your own, it's impossible to sustain a long term relationship with someone whose values clash with yours.

Some Questions to Get You Started

What do you get out of doing certain activities that seem really important in your life?

eg If you can't resist freefalling from an aeroplane at 10,000 feet, then perhaps you value extreme adventures.  If you love to read non-fiction or watch documentaries, maybe you value learning.

What qualities do you expect people to have if they're going to mix with you?

They might include honesty, loyalty, commitment, accountability, a sense of humour etc

So over a hot coffee and a warm fire (it's VERY wintery here, all I can think about is getting warm) why not prepare and share lists of values.  Be curious.  Talk about them.  Get to know what's brought your beloved partner to figure these things to be so important.  It's a journey of discovering more about each other.  That's always a bonus when building relationships!

Pre-registration?

Pink Apple is planning a short group phone seminar to help you clarify your values.  If you'd like to guarantee your spot in this small group, shoot me an email to be placed on the pre-registration list.  There's no obligation if the date or time turns out to clash with another appointment. 

Sonia and Tom

Sonia and Tom had been regular guests around the dinner tables of friends for the 5 years of their relationship.   They were fun, entertaining, good storytellers, real life-of-the-party types.

But of recent times, their social calendar was looking sparse. 

The sparkle and zest had gone out of their company, once the acid tones crept into Sonia's voice when she spoke of/to Tom.  Everyone could hear it, and felt uncomfortable. 

Tom would voice an opinion and Sonia would come back with some funny/cruel line that made Tom look, and feel, small! They always sounded like they had interrupted their latest fight to come out and socialise, and everyone paid THAT price.   

It made you want to stand in front of Tom and shield him from the verbal arrows.   Who needs that?

Respect and Goodwill

One of the key secrets to successful relationships is a simple value that our Mums and Dads probably taught us - Respect and Goodwill. 

What turns that head-over-heels love into a belief that Your Adored One is always "out to get you"?  What would make you think that a nasty attack is the best form of defence?  Where has that mean spirit come from and how long do you want to live with it?

For some reason slowly and painfully respect and goodwill have leaked out of the "lovin' feeling"

How can you tell?

Here's some questions:

• Do you tend to keep tabs on how much you or your partner has/hasn't done?
• Do you make concessions to, or do things for your partner to earn brownie points?
• Does one displeasure get rolled into a whole pile of sins just as you start complaining?
• Are there lots of things he/she "should" have done or said that you can't forget?
• Do you criticise openly and/or frequently?
• Can she/he make a good decision any more?  Or do you frequently find fault with most of her/his choices?
• Do you often sulk or play the martyr to get your own way?
• Is your way the "best" way?  In whose eyes?
• Do you tell others about what you have to "put up with"?
• Do you often manipulate?  "If you loved me, then you'd ..."
• With what kind of tone do you speak to/about your partner?  Do you shout at him/her?
• Do you make negative comments publicly/privately?  "You're a loser!"
• Do you deliberately "stuff up" tasks so you won't be asked again?

There are 13 questions in that list.  If you mentally said Yes a few times then you have to wonder how much respect and goodwill you have towards your partner, and probably vice versa.

If respect and goodwill are missing then, without changing your attitudes and behaviours, your partnership is probably on the slippery slope!

Why is respect and goodwill so important? 

Well you see if you think that your partner has your BEST interests at heart, then:

• the chances of you misrepresenting/misinterpreting things heard and said are diminished 
• the tone with which you speak is different
• your interest in what's happening in her/his life rises
• your opportunities to laugh improve
• your chances of fights diminish

Doesn't THAT sound appealing?

Think about it ...