Most of us have some kind of fantasy about what being married or committed to someone will look like and feel like.
While not everyone's fantasy will have white picket fences, or perhaps even kids running around, one core assumption in this gorgeous fantasy is that it WILL be perfect!
In this fantasy ...
There certainly won't be:
- the kinds of arguments that the neighbours can hear - because you won't need to fight, you'll always agree
- diminishing frequency in sexual activity or satisfaction - because you'll both be relishing endless and frequent stunning sex, like people have in the movies
- interfering extended family - because your family wouldn't do that
- tiredness and overwhelm - because you can always cope and multi-task and any kids of yours will be well-controlled
- fears about money and bills - because you'll have made it, and be earning Big Bucks
- any separation or divorce - because your communications skills are superior to everyone's
- any disagreement about how things "should" be done - because you won't be bringing any baggage to the relationship
- inequality in sharing roles, tasks and responsibilities - because you'll be dividing everything 50:50
Is that YOU?
If that's REALLY all true for you, then all Pink Apple can say is GOOD LUCK! You don't need to discover the Secrets of Starting Out Together.
As Darryl Kerrigan (The Castle - 1997) might say "Tell 'em they're dreamin'."
The reality, from my experiences and observations, is vastly different from this magical illusion.
[By the way, if you know someone preparing to commit to a relationship eg moving in together, or planning a wedding, then please forward this link to them for a read? Free Relationship Advice never goes astray!]
How Do You Turn that Tempting Fantasy into Something Real but Enticing?
That's Easy! You PLAN for it. You TALK about it. Just like you're planning the ceremony, the flowers, the bridesmaid's dresses, and the cake!
Start with a few chats over dinner or a glass of wine together.
First describe to each other what the fantasy in your mind about marriage/commitment is like. Give as much detail as possible.
Even saying some of the illusions out loud will help you both to start sifting fantasy from reality. You'll hear how silly or unrealistic SOME of them are.
Then start negotiating the boundaries of acceptable behaviour that you'll expect of each other.
Pink Apple will continue to explore some of the areas to discuss in future weekly articles on the blog. If you'd prefer to receive these articles directly into your Inbox, then email email@example.com and we'll add your name to our circulation list.
But I LIKE romance!
And why wouldn't you? It's enormous fun!
Planning a real relationship doesn't mean you're doomed to boredom!
You wouldn't build a house without putting embedding in the concrete slab or the wooden stumps.
You wouldn't go to an interview for a new position these days without finding out about the company and doing your research and preparation.
So WHY WOULD YOU go into a marriage/commitment to a life partnership without doing the ground work?
Because it doesn't sound too romantic? That's true. But Romance is intended as a starting point.
From Romance you get to discover a deep and abiding safety and connection. To get that you've both got to outgrow the fantasies and create a reality.
Romance and Fantasy are a little like hopping on a theme park ride, like the Giant Drop or The Tower of Terror. They're amazingly exhilarating, but they wouldn't be if you did it multiple times a day, every day of the year!
Don't get me wrong you still need doses of Romance and Fantasy through ALL the years of a relationship. It's just more fun if you've got a deeper safety and connection.
And equally you'd be downright foolish to lose ALL romance and fantasy once your relationship is embedded, because then you'd be tempted to think that relationships are just HARD WORK and they're NOT!
They're FUN, BIG FUN!