If YOU keep secrets or tell half-truths as a matter of course, then you may need to check out my Apple Tart blog and reconsider your decisions.
If you don't believe me, can I ask:
How much does your partner display signs that she/he doesn't trust you?
And if you keep secrets or tell half-truths are you actually trust-worthy?
SweetP and I went out to a fund-raising event the other night. We knew no-one there. Not a soul but the hostess, and needless to say she was too busy to be "holding our hands". We needed to meet new people and so we began to chat with others.
By the end of the night, Pink Apple was prattling away, generally enjoying herself as much as you can making conversation with strangers, when the music and the voices just kept getting louder. (Yes I know I'm starting to sound like a boring old fart!)
SweetP was exhausted.
Making conversation takes energy for anyone but some of us it drains and others find it energising!
Why? Because we're different!
In this case, as I'm an extrovert and I get my energy from others, it's no wonder I was feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed even though my feet were killing me! Poor old introverted SweetP finds those kinds of events difficult. As he gets his energy from within himself, having to expend it with other people, especially strangers, drains him and leaves him feeling like a wrung-out rag!
Being different will never ruin a relationship UNLESS you fail to:
It's actually a fascinating journey of discovery that's lots of fun to explore together.
There are many ways to explore. Here's a very brief list of books and websites you might find useful.
Have fun and let me know how you get on!
... Another article sharing the Secrets Successful Relationships - Starting Out Together.
Up till now you've led a busy life, right?
And now you've decided that there's to be someone special riding your life's road WITH you.
Neither of you want your own life to be tossed away because you're a couple. Right?
But how are you going to blend these two lives ...
... without losing what's important to each of you
... but with respect and acknowledgment of just how important this person is in your world?
Have you made room for Him/Her in YOUR daily life?
Yes Pink Apple understands you've been "going out"/dating for a while (at least a few weeks we hope!). So this person has been in your life in that time. And perhaps you've been having sleep-overs at each other's homes, or perhaps not. Yes we "get" that there's been a gradual introduction of this person into your life!
But, then you were dating! Now you're committing!
There's a DIFFERENCE!
But how is it now going to BE different?
How are you going to make room for him/her EMOTIONALLY, ENVIRONMENTALLY, and in your DAILY ACTIVITIES and PRIORITIES?
How is she/he going to see that your priorities have shifted to put him/her top of the list? What will be the clear, totally unambiguous signs? (You ARE making this person top of your priorities list aren't you? If you're not, then are you deluding yourself, or your partner, about the significance of the relationship?)
But HOW?
Yes there IS lots to think about, isn't there?
... Another article sharing the Secrets of Starting Out Together.
You've fallen in love with this gorgeous, delightful, and endlessly loving man/woman.
You've mutually decided you're going to shift this relationship onto a different plane. It's not just about fun and/or lust any more, this one has something different. It's special somehow!
So you decide to settle down together with/without the marriage certificate, but certainly WITH commitment.
How have you each come to that conclusion? Has it been a "feeling"/ you've just "known" or has there been a seriously considered, weighing-up of what you are as a couple and how that differs from you as a single?
Are you happy With YOU?
The important thing to remember is (to quote Jon Kabat-Zinn) "wherever you go, there you are". You're each bringing a You into this relationship. And you're each convinced that you know so much about the other - after all you're in love aren't you?
But how much do you really know about your own or your partner's values? The guiding principles? The elements of life that steer his/her course and unconsciously influence her/his decisions? Without sufficient activities and decisions that meet with your values, life becomes hollow, dissatisfying and eventually soul-destroying.
Assuming that's NOT what you want for yourself, your partner, or your relationship, then it's time to take a look at values.
But what the hell ARE values?
Everyone from coaches to marriage celebrants, financial planners to professional development trainers, they all talk about Values. But what are they?
A value is something that you believe in. Something that is important to you and that you can't live your life without.
Of course we start out having had our parents' values carefully planted in our little souls. But just like it's important to analyse your parent's relationship skills (and take what works and discard what doesn't), it's also important to identify what are your values and how different or similar they are to those of the people around you.
Several years ago, my son asked that we not get pizzas from the local pizza joint anymore. Seeing my puzzled look, he described watching this man threaten and abuse his wife. "He's a bully and it wouldn't surprise me if he whacked her around a bit" said Wild Boy. This man's behaviour had clashed with my son's values and he couldn't live with himself if we filled this man's pockets.
Just like it becomes impossible to work for any length of time with a company whose leaders' values differ greatly from your own, it's impossible to sustain a long term relationship with someone whose values clash with yours.
Some Questions to Get You Started
What do you get out of doing certain activities that seem really important in your life?
eg If you can't resist freefalling from an aeroplane at 10,000 feet, then perhaps you value extreme adventures. If you love to read non-fiction or watch documentaries, maybe you value learning.
What qualities do you expect people to have if they're going to mix with you?
They might include honesty, loyalty, commitment, accountability, a sense of humour etc
So over a hot coffee and a warm fire (it's VERY wintery here, all I can think about is getting warm) why not prepare and share lists of values. Be curious. Talk about them. Get to know what's brought your beloved partner to figure these things to be so important. It's a journey of discovering more about each other. That's always a bonus when building relationships!
Pre-registration?
Pink Apple is planning a short group phone seminar to help you clarify your values. If you'd like to guarantee your spot in this small group, shoot me an email to be placed on the pre-registration list. There's no obligation if the date or time turns out to clash with another appointment.
Most of us have some kind of fantasy about what being married or committed to someone will look like and feel like.
While not everyone's fantasy will have white picket fences, or perhaps even kids running around, one core assumption in this gorgeous fantasy is that it WILL be perfect!
In this fantasy ...
There certainly won't be:
Is that YOU?
If that's REALLY all true for you, then all Pink Apple can say is GOOD LUCK! You don't need to discover the Secrets of Starting Out Together.
As Darryl Kerrigan (The Castle - 1997) might say "Tell 'em they're dreamin'."
The reality, from my experiences and observations, is vastly different from this magical illusion.
[By the way, if you know someone preparing to commit to a relationship eg moving in together, or planning a wedding, then please forward this link to them for a read? Free Relationship Advice never goes astray!]
How Do You Turn that Tempting Fantasy into Something Real but Enticing?
That's Easy! You PLAN for it. You TALK about it. Just like you're planning the ceremony, the flowers, the bridesmaid's dresses, and the cake!
Start with a few chats over dinner or a glass of wine together.
First describe to each other what the fantasy in your mind about marriage/commitment is like. Give as much detail as possible.
Even saying some of the illusions out loud will help you both to start sifting fantasy from reality. You'll hear how silly or unrealistic SOME of them are.
Then start negotiating the boundaries of acceptable behaviour that you'll expect of each other.
Pink Apple will continue to explore some of the areas to discuss in future weekly articles on the blog. If you'd prefer to receive these articles directly into your Inbox, then email chris.pinkapp@gmail.com and we'll add your name to our circulation list.
But I LIKE romance!
And why wouldn't you? It's enormous fun!
Planning a real relationship doesn't mean you're doomed to boredom!
You wouldn't build a house without putting embedding in the concrete slab or the wooden stumps.
You wouldn't go to an interview for a new position these days without finding out about the company and doing your research and preparation.
So WHY WOULD YOU go into a marriage/commitment to a life partnership without doing the ground work?
Because it doesn't sound too romantic? That's true. But Romance is intended as a starting point.
From Romance you get to discover a deep and abiding safety and connection. To get that you've both got to outgrow the fantasies and create a reality.
Romance and Fantasy are a little like hopping on a theme park ride, like the Giant Drop or The Tower of Terror. They're amazingly exhilarating, but they wouldn't be if you did it multiple times a day, every day of the year!
Don't get me wrong you still need doses of Romance and Fantasy through ALL the years of a relationship. It's just more fun if you've got a deeper safety and connection.
And equally you'd be downright foolish to lose ALL romance and fantasy once your relationship is embedded, because then you'd be tempted to think that relationships are just HARD WORK and they're NOT!
They're FUN, BIG FUN!
With our first wedding in the family later this year, I've realised how easy it would be for the sheer extent of planning "the event" to take over from the most important thing - preparing for the Marriage.
What's on your mind?
When you last went to a wedding and watched the happy couple float down the aisle, their love now sealed with a marriage, what did you think about?
A glass of bubbles and a good dinner to celebrate?
Well maybe, but let's hope the bride and groom have got other things on their minds!
And NO get your mind out of their hotel room and back here please!
The party lasts a couple of hours but the marriage is there for a lifetime - till death us do part!
So as part of the BAG I talked about the other day, Pink Apple is also sharing Secrets to Starting Out Together.
And the obvious place to start thinking about and planning what kind of relationship you want to have, is to look analytically at the ones you're most familiar with! Mum & Dad!
Yeah they may be happily married or viciously divorced but they've already laid down images of how to relate in your brain before you even knew the word existed?
The Analysis
So what have you got to notice about how your parents, alive or dead, together or separate, acted out how to relate to someone? What messages have their relating techniques got hidden inside them? What worked? What didn't?
There's much more!
But next time you're sitting quietly with your fiance, why not ask what lessons he/she learned from home about relating and share your own analysis.
Then ask this question.
What is our partnership going to look like? How do we want to relate?
Go into as much detail as possible. The discussion will raise your awareness of what you hope and dream and EXPECT of your partner. He/she NEEDS TO KNOW!
