Take A Bite

Peter's Ode to a Better Marriage

As Pink Apple continues to seek ways to help you all find better relationships I want to share with you a simple poem from Peter Pearson of The Couples Institute. 

Peter and his wife Ellyn Bader are US relationship psychologists.  Their relationship advice has a strong influence on my own work so I share this with great respect for them.

I hope it gives you food for thought

You can,
if you wish,
influence your partner to change
in ways that could
make your life
more comfortable.

However, can you really
change something
you don’t understand?

How deeply do you ...[more]

Lost Your Relationship Mojo?

Mike Myers MAY have put a rather "quirky" connotation to the word mojo, but Pink Apple wants to spin that round!

We're focusing on Relationship Mojo and how to re-find it again.  Because, of course, it's pretty easy to lose it!

Here's my new 1 minute promo video about Refinding Your Relationship Mojo.

Please let me know what you think of it?  It's the beginning of some exciting developments at Pink Apple so stay tuned!

BTW You can take your Mojo Test here.

 

Relationship Advice on Tap at Calm Space

As some of you would know, I am a regular contributor of relationship advice to The Calm Space, an online magazine that is like "a virtual day-spa for the senses".

This month's theme on The Calm Space is Power and Strength. 

In the Relationship Space, (my little corner of The Calm Space world) this month I've been raising awareness of the power women have over the frequency of a couple's sexual activity.  

Because, in a non-abusive relationship if the woman says no she doesn’t want to have sex, then the couple don’t have sex.  He might try wheedling, tickling, kissing, whispering endearments, or a hundred other possibilities.  But if it’s no, then it’s no go! [more]

When I consider this power, I'm reminded of the kid who used to take control of the garden tap when we were all playing under the sprinklers of our childhood. 

Did you have a big brother/sister or some neighbourhood kid who ran to the tap and took control of the flow of water?  Turning it up high so that it sprayed well away from where you stood waiting for that wave of cool relief.  Or turning it off, and torturing you with their unrelenting grip on the tap – despite all your pleas and angry screams? [more]

And I'm not necessarily suggesting that this power is only about limiting the number of encounters, plenty of women have high libidos which are stronger that their partner's.  But the same issue remains, the power to be the one in control of "the tap", deciding when it will be turned on and off, is a power to be used like a benevolent dictator as commenter Angela Esnouf shares.  It needs to be used wisely and well.

So I left my readers on The Calm Space with some questions, why not go over and have alook at them?  Maybe you've got something to contribute to the conversation that's started over there. 

Who took our delightfully reminiscent photo?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/79716443@N00/ / CC BY 2.0

Shared Marriage Wisdom

I'm always happy to share good sound sensible wisdom from other relationship experts.

Alisa Bowman (@alisabow) is a good example. 

I saw this on her blog and thought you might find it useful.  If you comment over there, tell her I sent you!

She hates when he initiates sex

Q: Whenever my husband holds my hand, cuddles, or touches me in any way, I feel uncomfortable. Every time he touches me, it seems like he wants sex. I might be watching a TV program and he will start [more]

A Perfect Marriage? Is that possible?

Have you got a Perfect Marriage?

I know I don't!  I'm pretty happy with what I've got, but I know I won't ever stop aspiring for a better marriage.

In fact I don't know anybody who has a perfect marriage and I DON"T believe they exist.  With humans involved there will always be inherent flaws.  Our egos and the scars of past hurts will always get in the way of being a perfect person. 

So I never believe anyone who says they have the perfect partner or the perfect marriage.

But what's with the obsession about perfection?

I was reading a recent blog post on Organised Thoughts, written by Angela Esnouf  of Creating Order From Chaos (@creatingorder).  She was offering a Productivity Maxim for those of us who may be flawed with a little bit of procrastination in our thinking.

Done's Better Than Perfect

I first heard this one from Sandi Givens as did Angela

But I must say I think that rather than being helpful to procrastinators - it's ideal for perfectionists who'll delay in achieving/doing something so they can keep trying to make it perfect! 

That's a recipe for endless frustration and missing out.

So if you're still waiting for your marriage to be perfect, why not try seeing it as a work in progress and get on with appreciating it and all the other good things in your life?

___________________________________________________________________________________

Chris Owen is Pink Apple.  She helps couples find the Secrets to Successful Relationships.  She runs groups, and works with individuals and couples.  You can follow her on Twitter (@Chris_Pinkapple).  You can also find her musings at Apple Tart, Joyful Jubilant Learning, and The Calm Space.

Better Relationships? Your Brain May Have Something to Do With It

Pink Apple has always been focused on helping couples change and create better relationships. 

But to do that requires us to tune up our radar about ourselves. 

Knowing what we do and how we think and feel now, is the first step to making new choices for changes and improvements in our selves, our relationships, and our world.

So I'm always on the lookout for things that will help make good relationships, and help us all gain greater self-awareness.

Thanks to Belinda Merry's latest newsletter, I have come across this interesting test and basic information about the Right/Left brain phenomenon.

Why not check which way your brain leans and see what that means?

Secrets of Staying Together: Sex and Pregnancy

If you and your partner are pregnant (yes it's a couple thing not just a woman thing) then you'll be pleased to hear how important it is to continue to build intimacy through your sexual relationship during pregnancy. 

Of course, not all women get that amazing sexual drive in pregnancy, and for some the thought of sex is a bit ho-hum. But it's worth perseverance ladies, it's a critical time in BOTH your lives.

As your baby will impact on your relationship, filling up the emotional love tank while you're pregnant is a good idea.  There'll undoubtedly be a period where that will be difficult in the early stages of a new baby so it's super important to look after the relationship while you have some time.

Lovemaking is one way to do so.  Over at Momlogic, there is an excellent article full of advice from an obstetrician about some of the practical issues about sex and pregnancy.

Why are You Staying? [Secrets of Staying Together]

"She's just so controlling" he said.

So what are you getting out of letting him/her control you?

Because you will be getting something - weird as that may sound!

Somehow, you've taught her/him that it's ok to treat you in a particular way - purely by not stopping it!

Yes I understand you didn't realise you were doing that, but somewhere along the line, you NEED to draw the line in the sand and say ENOUGH!

Why?  Because you're not happy!

Karen Salmansohn, of Be Happy, Dammit fame, recently wrote about Prince Harming Syndrome.   It's a quirky article but has some serious truths in there.

I remember once I was sharing a story about a particular Prince Harming with my girlfriend, Joanie, in a café, when the man at the next table interrupted.

“Excuse me,” this stranger said. “I hope you girls don’t mind, but I must confess I overheard you talking….and well…I’m a psychoanalyst…and I’m worried about you,” he said staring directly at me. “Do you mind if I give you my free therapy opinion?” [more]

While Karen's article is about a bully boy, abusive partners come in both sexes and often in MUCH MORE SUBTLE ways than physical abuse!

So if you're not happy...

What behaviour of your partner's are you tolerating with just a hint of Karen's masochist about you?

Chris Owen and the Shiny Apples Curse

Now isn't that a title that J K Rowling would be proud of?

Pete Aldin see where you've taken me?  (No not turning into JKR - I wish)  Or maybe it's just I've been reading Harry and The Half-Blood Prince, with my venture into Deathly Hallows just ahead of me!

But let's not diverge!

Some time ago Pete from Great Circle tagged me with a great topic for sharing.  But as I've said before tags/memes are really a Curse!

So it is with great pleasure I share with you my Best of ... series, where I present 10 of my earlier posts that best sum up what Pink Apple is about.

That was actually quite challenging because that old Self-Doubt Demon (I really must come up with a name for it!) was doing its best to convince me I wouldn't find any!  But, in fact, while time-consuming, I was quite surprised with what I found in the archives that I can summon pride in again sharing with you!

If you're a regular reader, you've probably worked out I have lots of interests

• supporting and nurturing women,
• staying sane at Christmas
• small business,
• books and reading, and
• networking,

But my BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) is to help couples discover the many and endless moments of joy in their relationships.  I'm doing that by sharing the Secrets of Successful Relationships.

So the articles that best sum up Pink Apple fall under that category.

Here are links to 10 of my favourites.  They're in no particular order, except occasionally chronological!

Not the Kitchen Sink.

It's very tempting when we're angry with someone, be it our partner, colleague, or the Indonesian government, to avoid letting all our peripheral or past judgments, come into the debate.   [more]

Bad Apples

Isolation and alienation is a big part of the bully's toolkit. Unfortunately, psychological bullying is more likely to be the domain of women.  Women's skills with relationship-building have a flipside in the female bully's capacity to alienate.  Other tactics might include:  [more]

Listening, Waffles and Spaghetti

Firstly, they point out what listening is NOT.  Guys, I think you might sigh with relief as you read these! [more]

When the Honeymoon's Over

Little does she know, as she rests in the dewy-eyed wonder of her new marriage, that disillusionment is ahead.  How will she manage when the sheen rubs off the relationship? [more]

Domestic Bliss?

Because one of the perennial problems that couples find most hard to get over, is the issue of the sharing of chores!  On the surface, it would seem a simple enough problem to solve. 

But it's like a wartime ocean, filled with depth charges and silent, drifting bombs just waiting to explode! [more]

Soulmates

As Doug reminds us, just because you find your soulmate, doesn't mean you can take the foot off the pedal, in terms of your efforts and input into nurturing the relationship.  "The great danger of the soulmate myth is the accompanying belief that the relationship will be easy over time. Relationships decay when someone puts their feet up."   [more]

Bad Language

We can also confuse our LOVERS with our language!  And I don't mean abusive language; or even "talking dirty", for the more risque of my readers!

"I just feel so distanced from him.  It feels like he's pushing me away"

This client "hears" love in the language of positive affirmations.  If her partner criticises her, then, no matter how lovingly the criticism is delivered, she's likely to read that criticism as rejection, and even evidence of loathing. [more]

A Matter of Choice

Now, I dare any of you to tell me you've got the perfect partner!  I even dare any of you to tell me you've got the worst partner in the world!  There's no such thing!  All there is, is "good enough" or "bad enough" to prompt us to make choices.  [more]

Restraint

As I listen to some of my clients, I am sad to hear them relate stories of failing to restrain themselves when it might have helped.

When the fight is on, and it's far from fair, (and in fact downright dirty), THAT'S the time for restraint. [more]

Respect & Goodwill

One of the key secrets to successful relationships is a simple value that our Mums and Dads probably taught us - Respect and Goodwill. 

What turns that head-over-heels love into a belief that Your Adored One is always "out to get you"?  What would make you think that a nasty attack is the best form of defence?  Where has that mean spirit come from and how long do you want to live with it?

For some reason slowly and painfully respect and goodwill have leaked out of the "lovin' feeling"  [more]

 

How honest are you with your partner?

If you're inclined to fudge the truth when telling your partner about the cost of a recent purchase, then you could be accused of "financial infidelity"!

Well that's the opinion of a psychologist on a morning TV program that I saw recently.   (Yes well, perhaps enough said, hey?)

It seems a bit far-fetched, but failing to be totally honest with your partner does take you near to dishonoring your commitment together.  And it doesn't matter whether that commitment was expressed as a set of vows in front of an altar, or an agreement to live together and give it your best shot!

If you were to conduct a little non-scientific poll amongst your work colleagues, you'd find they all value honesty, and believed themselves to be honest!  You've probably seen evidence that's not ALWAYS true!  And probably most people get away with the odd "white lie" without any pangs of conscience.

Relationships, on the other hand will shrivel and rot in the face of dishonesty.    It's the biggest, corrosive, poison of all!

Your life partnership/marriage needs a kind of heroic, excruciating, vulnerable-making, honesty that's at a whole new level!

It needs to be the kind of honesty where you reveal to yourself and your partner just how nasty you were to the girl in the next office, the guy in the other lane on the freeway, or the kids (while she was out and you were in a snotty mood)!

Have you ever been at a "team meeting" to talk about a problem?

You all sit around the table or in a circle, awkwardly avoiding looking at the leader.  If anyone says ANYTHING they skirt around the issue, knowing full well that what's being said is a load of crap.

And then someone gets brave and says what they REALLY think.  People gasp (at least internally).  Then slowly others join in the honesty, and painfully but successfully the problem can be dealt with!

Well that ball-shrinking, gut-twisting, heart-pounding, weakness-exposing honesty is the kind of vulnerability that needs to be in a relationship. 

And I don't think it's unrealistic to say that excruciating honesty like that needs to be part of EVERY DAY you share together. 

This is about taking emotional risks.  And it's what makes a relationship sing!

But don't get me wrong.  Being honest, doesn't mean being nasty.  If you have a complaint or concern about an element of your partner's behaviour then you can be honest without being mean!  There are ways to be honest and caring, and sensitive at the same time.  It's all about continuing to love someone with an unpleasant behaviour, not just self-righteously loving DESPITE an unacceptable behaviour!

Some questions to get you thinking about honesty?

• What subjects might tempt you to be less than excruciatingly honest?  (Finances and sexual dissatisfaction often top this list.)
• How do you react when your partner dares to be honest and vulnerable with you?
• How would you like to be treated when you reveal a side of yourself that you struggle to love?  (eg your body image)
• How do you feel when you know deep in your heart that your partner has shared something with you at that excruciating level?
• When was the last time you were less-than-honest with your partner?
• How safe do you make it for your partner to be honest?

If honesty, is a quality that's slowly dying in your relationship, what are YOU going to do about it?